The Joy of Conflict Resolution : Transforming Victims, Villains and Heroes in the Workplace and at Home

Acknowledgments ix Introduction xi CHAPTER 1: VICTIMS, VILLAINS, AND HEROES 1(12) Fairy tales of conflict 1(2) Roles we play 3(4) Beyond the drama triangle 7(6) CHAPTER 2: LESSONS FROM THE SANDBOX 13(8) Grow up, already 13(1) My PhD advisor can beat up your PhD advisor 14(1) Themes from the playground 14(3) It's hard to see the picture when you're in the frame 17(1) Conflict as its own reward 18(1) The roots of defensiveness 19(2) CHAPTER 3: JUST LIKE THE MOVIES 21(12) Elements of conflict stories 21(4) What drives us? 25(3) Our conflict dramas 28(2) When did the knife go in? 30(1) The journey from confrontation to collaboration 31(2) CHAPTER 4: WELCOME TO TURM-0IL, INC 33(11) Co-workers in conflict 33(5) Black Friday 38(6) CHAPTER 5: THE ASSUMPTION ICEBERG 44(9) Book 'em, Dinah 44(3) Motive and impact 47(3) Book 'em, Dinah (revisited) 50(3) CHAPTER 6: THE WOBBLY STOOL OF CONFLICT 53(15) The three legs of conflict 54(1) Big Bob goes bananas 55(3) Diagnosing resistance 58(1) Identifying the problem 58(1) Respecting process needs 59(3) Stabilizing the emotion 62(1) Big Bob goes bananas (revisited) 63(5) CHAPTER 7: THE PERILS OF ANGER MOUNTAIN 68(14) Responses to anger 69(4) Significance of the anger arousal cycle 73(1) Strategies to defuse others' anger 74(6) The time and place for apologies 80(2) CHAPTER 8: BEWARE THE CONFLICT GREMLINS 82(11) Strategies to manage our own anger 82(2) Get to know your gremlins 84(5) What to do about our gremlins 89(1) Listen to your inner coach 90(3) CHAPTER 9: THE POWER OF LISTENING 93(14) The North Wind and the Sun 94(1) Why listen? 94(4) Silence is golden 98(1) Proving you understand 99(1) How to get the full story 100(3) A metaphor is worth a thousand words 103(1) The importance of being genuine 104(3) CHAPTER 10: SPINNING THE STRAW OF DEFENSIVENESS 107(10) The chain reaction of defensiveness 107(1) Defining defensiveness 108(1) Spinning the gold of understanding 109(1) Forms of defensiveness: more lessons from the sandbox 109(3) Warming the climate 112(1) Doug separates the person from the problem 113(2) When you hit bedrock 115(2) CHAPTER 11: ESCAPING THE TRAP OF POSITIONS 117(11) No room at the inn for Vic 117(1) Trapped by positions 118(1) Naming the topic 119(2) The key to collaboration - interests and needs 121(1) Shifting from positions to interests 121(7) CHAPTER 12: PROBING THE DEPTHS OF CONFLICT 128(9) Shifting judgment to curiosity 128(1) All questions are not created equal 129(2) Peeling the onion for the real story 131(3) I'll show you mine if 134(1) Ask only if you really want to know 135(2) CHAPTER 13: STANDING UP FOR OURSELVES WITHOUT KNOCKING THE OTHER PERSON DOWN 137(16) An alternative to fight or flight 137(1) Passive behavior 138(1) Aggressive behavior 139(1) "I" statements 139(2) The difficult person story 141(4) "I'm okay. They need professional help" 145(1) Describing the difficult behavior 146(2) First within, then without 148(1) The D-E-S statement 148(2) When the other person doesn't respond 150(1) A few tips 151(2) CHAPTER 14: THE ROAD TO RESOLUTION 153(12) Preparing to meet 154(1) Doug's preparation to meet with Marko 155(2) Steps to collaboration 157(5) The conflict resolution two-step 162(3) CHAPTER 15: TIPS FOR THE TRAVELER 165(22) Being a warrior of the heart 165(1) The inner work 166(6) Active curiosity 172(1) Focusing on specific skills 173(2) Changing the dance 175(6) Don't go it alone 181(2) Other tips 183(4) Resources 187(1) Bibliography 188(1) Index 189(6) About the Author 195